you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
