I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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