At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
