Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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