He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
