I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
