just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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