saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
