If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
