I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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