I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
i think i just lost a toe
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
