So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
