if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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