Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
