god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
