If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
