Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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