I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
