I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
