I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
