I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
