your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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