You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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