She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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