Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
