I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
