I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Boobs speak an international language.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
