I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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