You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My breath smells like gin and sadness
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
