My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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