1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Randomize
