you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
