I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
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You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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