Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
two words: eviction party
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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