I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
