everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
