i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
