it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
