i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?