Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
