How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
