Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
