I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i came on her dog
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
