I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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