3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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