his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
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