i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
