I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
