tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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