Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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