The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
