dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
