She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
