a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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