What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
