I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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