if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
