i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
