Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
